Giving and receiving good shame messages at age 7 and 5? Yes! Check it out.
I am not sure you readers are going to believe this, but it’s a testimony to Joy-Filled Parenting. I have to give some background, so bear with me before you get to the stories. Lauren is the mother of two girls, Ava (7) and Kayla (5). She is part of our Wednesday Night Joy Group and she has been parenting her girls with joyful, relational brain skills for over three years. Lauren learned much of what she knows from her mother, Shawnda. Shawnda is one of the mothers whose hopeful stories are in Joy-Filled Parenting with Teens. Lauren posted these two stories recently and all of us were amazed at seeing these skills played out at the age we are supposed to learn them. Most of us struggle with what we call “good shame messages.” Read and enjoy.
Lauren’s First Story
Ava and Kayla had this moment tonight.
Some kind of rupture happened. Kayla’s Relational Circuits went off and she said something mean.
Ava said with a gentle firmness: “I want to keep playing with you but what you said was mean and it hurt my feelings.”
Kayla started crying: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Sometimes I get angry and I just say mean things and I can’t stop.”
Ava: “I believe you can stop. You are a good sister. Why don’t we go see mommy and she can help us?”
They hugged each other and came see me.
After we worked it out, Ava said, “I did it! I told her how I feel with kind words! And Kayla said, “Ava, you’re the best big sister ever!”
Brain skills in Joy-filled parenting for the win!
Lauren’s Second Story
Ava and Kayla were quietly playing with play dough…Kayla informs Ava she is making a surprise.
Ava: “What are you making, Kayla?! What is it!? What is it!? What is it!? What is it!? What is it!? What is it!?”
Kayla: “For the love of… That is way too much. Let’s practice waiting. I’m almost done making my surprise. Then I can show you.”
Ava: (whispering) OK!
Kayla: “Thanks, Ava.”
#JoyFilledSisterhood #GoodShameMessages
Check out these books for ways to learn to give good, healthy shame messages: Joy-Filled Relationships, The Pandora Problem, The Pandora Problem Companion Guide, Handbook to Joy-Filled Parenting
I am so thrilled that our relational brain skills are creating sticky-love and my children’s children are learning what it’s like Godsfamily to do and be to each other! Ava is kind and to give her kind words thrills her heart and soul! Kayla has been learning in a very hard way to wait because her Dad is away on deployment. Hearing her desire the skill of patience is giving her great capacity of joy. I am so blessed Barbara how your teaching and LifeModel has changed our lives!
Your family is like family to me and I am blessed to have you all around. Love, B
Thanks for making life better for families! I have enjoyed some of your writings…all the ones I have read. Thanks for doing what it took to put it in print and to be present to young women who wanted a better family life. I came from terrible dysfunction, four alcoholic parents, biological and step. My life was nearly ruined until the Lord came on the scene and then He turned it all around and the Lord brought wonderful ministry out of it. I am 80 now and cannot be nearly as involved, but I love doing a small group in my home around the Joy concepts! Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Elizabeth.
Barbara, I think I know the answer to this, but one never knows unless they ask. Do you do any Immanuel Prayer Ministry? or maybe I should say do you have any openings to do some with someone? Elizabeth Cagle
Elizabeth, Thanks for you courage to ask for ministry, but I am covered up and do not have any time. I have not taken any new people for a long time. I pray you will find someone to help. Barbara
Thank you Barbara, I figured as much! Just thot I’d ask anyway!