There are a lot of people around who mistakenly believe they can control things such as an outcome they dread or fear, or making another person change. Some even believe they can control God, their disappointments, or their emotions. Some fight really hard to avoid giving up control of people and things that cannot be controlled. The other night I had a thought about something we can control. We can “control” the ways to grow emotional maturity and relational skills.
In order to grow, we spend months going over emotional maturity in my Joy groups. Chapter one in Joy-Filled Relationships has detailed descriptions of Life Model Works maturity stages. During this long study we learn that growing emotional maturity is our part as humans. God does not snap His fingers and make us mature. We have to do some hard work as we co-operate with Him. When we discover what we missed growing up and face the bad things that happened to us it is hard to see these gaps. Some people run away; others stay and do the hard work.
Seeing gaps in our emotional maturity is very hard, but we can “control” the ways to grow.
So during group we took this statement about “control” and brainstormed in group, asking the question, “What can we control about our growth?” At the top of the list was–Show Up! We grow maturity by spending time in community with people who know how to help with our gaps. They help us learn to be vulnerable, humble, and willing to feel pain. It’s necessary to own the gaps, see our part in relational issues, forgive; give grace to ourselves and others.
Working hard on ourselves and giving grace are just a few of the things we can control. As we do these things, we keep our Joy Bucket full by seeing faces that are glad to be with us. Growing maturity is relational.
The most important relationship we need to build is with Jesus. He can be the person we need for “community” and the One who can help us with our gaps. He has all the gaps down pat! The more secure our attachment is to Him, the less we will see our immature character show up under pressure. (Dr. Jim Wilder, Renovated, page 118)
The more secure our attachment is to Him, the less we will see our immature character show up under pressure.
Pressure is the test. Emotional maturity is about staying relational and acting like our true self in spite of intense emotions. So building that secure attachment with Jesus makes a difference. We will also need to go to Him for Immanuel healing for the unresolved pain from our past.
Along with healing from past wounds, we will need to surrender and let go those things we cannot control. And as we grow, we can turn more easily to Him in each moment where we start to (or do) lose our character under pressure.
Sometimes people struggle with coming close to Jesus, so a joy-filled community that builds mature relationships can furnish a secure attachment with another person first. Life Model Works books are full of details for hesed communities that focus on relational skills and an Immanuel lifestyle.
I encourage all of us to find a joy-filled community with people who are glad to be with us and help us fill in our emotional maturity gaps. One result will be much-improved relationships.
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