One of my passions is to help people find and use the kindness circuits in their brain. Knowing how to use them can be life changing. Children can learn. Sometimes we call these our relational circuits (RCs) or our joy center.
In Ephesians 4:32 we read a description of how God wants us to relate: “Be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
All of us want to be more like Jesus. Knowing how to use these “kindness circuits” is a great way to see that grow.
How God Designed the Brain for Relationships
Our brain is a learning machine and habits are the engine. We can learn new habits, but it is not easy and takes about 30 days. One problem with us trying to learn new habits arises when we don’t understand how God designed our brains.
One side, the left hemisphere, functions slowly, uses words, and allows time to think and “choose.” The other side functions too fast for words or choices. Something we regret has escaped our lips before we could choose. This fast-track, right side of the brain, is the side where relational habits are formed and/or changed. When our behavior progressively lines up with how Jesus lives, we call this transformation—becoming like Jesus.
What we want is to be the kind of person who responds kindly and gently spontaneously, from the fast- track side of the brain. (“A soft answer turns away wrath.” Proverbs 15:1) Because we don’t have time to choose these reactions, kindness and gentle responses have to be trained (or changed when needed) into the fast-track. Often kindness and gentle responses are NOT what we learned growing up and we continue to struggle with those responses most days. So how can knowing about kindness circuits help us—and our families?
Kindness Circuits Running
First, we want to know what it looks like to have the kindness circuits running properly, because we want to have good relationships. Since Jesus is a relational being, having our kindness circuits running properly will even help us connect more easily with Him.
Here are some signs we can learn to notice: I want to be with people. I am curious about the other person. I can handle big emotions. I can stay relational and act like myself even during big emotions. I stay mature. I can connect with Jesus better.
Tips to Keep Them Running
One of the first things we can train into our fast-track right brain is to Practice the Pause, (aka – zip my lip). As James 1:19 says, “We are quick to hear and slow to speak and slow to anger.” Before that comes “Noticing.” This means learning to notice how my body feels. Practicing these two relational brain skills can set us on the path to training spontaneous kindness and gentle responses. When we mess up, we come back and say, “I was wrong, Will you forgive me?” The goal is to get better at staying relational spontaneously.
Kindness Circuits Off
Second, we want to know what it looks like to have the kindness circuits off. Here are the signs to notice: I feel irritated and annoyed. I don’t want to be with someone we really like. I want a problem to stop and go away. I judge more quickly. I worry. I want to win, be right. I try to control things I can’t control. Children have meltdowns. Adults can, too. I blow up and/or say things I regret. I withdraw and pout. Summary—I’ve lost my peace. Colossians 3: 15 tells us: “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. . .”
This is a pretty clear picture of the differences in relational (kindness) mode and what we call enemy mode—when those circuits are off. The person we love the most can feel like an enemy in a moment that our kindness circuits are off. When they are on, we can love our enemy.
How Do I Get Them Back On?
I see a few important questions left. “How do I get these circuits back on?” “How do I train this kindness circuit, and how do I grow better at keeping it on?” Let’s look at how to get the kindness circuits back on:
- Notice and pause.
- Train to turn to Jesus. This can depend on what kind of attachment one already has to Him.
- Two good questions to ask Him are, “Where are You right now? And What do You want me to know about _______?
- Anything that helps us calm is good for getting the kindness circuits back on. We can take deep breaths.
- We can ask for help from someone who knows how to synchronize and help calm.
- Appreciation works well. (There is a difference in gratitude and appreciation. Appreciation is anything that makes me feel warm and cozy, say, “ahhh,” something I can feel/relive in my body. Even a good memory to relive is helpful.)
- Yawning to the left then to the right helps.
When someone irritates us momentarily, or regularly, it is helpful to ask Jesus, “Please show me how You see ________.”
We should never, never, never, ever, try to resolve conflict, a problem, discipline children, or speak correction to anyone if our kindness circuits are off. Instead, we can learn to disengage and take a break until we calm. It’s good to say something like, “I need a break.” Or, “I can’t talk right now; I will be back.” It’s good to communicate the break is temporary.
Training The Circuits
How do we train the kindness circuits? Notice, notice, notice. Practice, practice, practice. These are relational brain skills that are like learning a sport. We need the information, but that is left brain and will not transform us. So, we notice when we feel irritated or annoyed and then get the kindness circuits back on. The goal is not to never go into enemy mode, but to recognize it and get kindness circuits back on as quickly as possible.
Cautions
It is not helpful to tell someone they are in enemy mode or have their kindness circuits off unless we have agreed together to remind each other in a calm, kind tone. They need to know what the “terms” mean. How much we can say in the moment depends on the relationship with that person. Even with children, in the moment we have to be led by the Spirit and be sure our kindness circuits are on before we speak.
Here is an everyday example: One person “snips” at another. If the other snips back, now both are in enemy mode. This is usual and common. As we learn to notice the feeling/angst we can stop the snip back and be a gentle responder. We will “love our enemies.” I have found that gentle responses when not expected go a long way towards the possibility of a difficult, annoying person changing. They don’t know what to do when we don’t snip back. (Proverbs 15:1)
Some quotes that have helped me practice:
- If I am upset, I am not seeing things the way God sees.
- When we grow beyond loving only those who bring us joy, we begin to act Christ-like.
- Never believe what someone says when their kindness circuits are off.
- Worry is a mistaken belief that I can control an outcome. I am avoiding pain.
- When in enemy mode, we cannot tell motives of others. We will always read as hurtful. (Because that part of our brain is off.)
- Am I looking through Earth eyes or Heaven’s eyes?
- If someone can attune to me it’s easier to refriend when in enemy mode.
Conclusion
Learning to keep our kindness circuits on (or get them back on when we go into enemy mode) is well worth the effort and practice. Want to take this further? My book, 40 Nuggets for Life gives more help for keeping your kindness circuits on.
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