Love Covers a Multitude of Sins (or Annoyances)

Recently I had a huge aha moment about loving our enemies that is still difficult to put into words. Those kinds of moments usually are. For several years now I’ve been studying and teaching how the brain works in relationships. I’ve gained much understanding of many Bible verses and come to look at life through very cool lenses as I’ve understood how the physical fits with the lessons that Jesus, Paul, John, and others have given us in the Scripture. This aha moment was a big one. As I first shared it with a dear friend, my hands shook and I was in tears. Many, many things fell into place. I felt like my world turned upside down in a fantastically, wonderful way.

Learning to Love Our Enemies

A little background will help me explain. Off and on the last couple of years I ‘ve been involved with Dr. Wilder as he polished his new book, The Pandora Problem. I wrote the Companion Guide for the book. One of my groups spent a year going through the manuscript and since the Spring, both my Joy Groups have been going through the published book. The Pandora Problem is all about how to deal with narcissism in ourselves and others.

Dr. Wilder’s solution for narcissism focuses on identity groups/communities learning to love our enemies by raising hesed (Hebrew for God’s sticky love/agape) and lowering qasheh (Hebrew word for self-justification, stubbornness, and defensiveness). In order to help us practically, in my Joy Groups I emphasize the every-day problems we have with each other that cause us to act like a narcissist in a given moment, rather than focusing on people who exhibit narcissism all the time or are abusive. Keep that in mind as you read.

We Can Go Into Enemy Mode

In Chapter Twelve, Dr. Wilder talks about how the brain comes into the picture when we are “melted down” into what he calls enemy mode. Enemy mode means the amygdala is running the show with fear. We can see even our most loved one as an “enemy” when the relational circuits in our brain go off. We don’t want to be with someone we usually love, we defend, blame, and self-justify. In this chapter twelve, a paragraph was confusing to me so I asked Dr. Wilder for clarity. The next day what he told me clicked into my huge aha moment.

The Brain’s Attachment Center Can Cast Out Fear

There is not time here to explain all about the brain levels that operate our relationships so I will summarize how Dr. Wilder clarified by saying the brain’s attachment center (where we bond and love) stands in line for processing before the amygdala that is telling us there is an “enemy” here at this moment. In other words, love (hesed) is stronger than fear. We can tap into love. That makes the relationship become more important than the problem that caused enemy mode.

If we can activate attachment (love/hesed), attachment does not care what the amygdala thinks about the issue. The attachment center (love/hesed) is like an anchor and the amygdala (fear) is the rope to the boat (the relationship). Without an anchor at the end, the rope will not keep the boat connected to the relationship. Even if we are melted down into enemy mode, there is still an open door at the attachment center level because the signals into the brain go there first.

Loving Our Enemies is Activated in the Brain

The next morning as I pondered these things from Dr. Wilder, all of a sudden this thought came to my mind: “Love covers a multitude of sins.” Then—“the greatest of these is love.” Verse after verse came into my mind. I was overcome with feelings of awe. Knowing that love is the answer to most everything was not all that new—what was new was how it was physical and fit in the brain. The brain designed by our God who is love and who sent His Son to show us what real love is all about! Love is the driving force that keeps relationships bigger than a problem.

The why of some things I had been teaching fell into place. When we know Love, we can more easily turn to Jesus and live the Immanuel Lifestyle. It becomes easier to love our “enemies.” Hesed love from us to others can help them grow a secure attachment when the did not get one growing up. Over time we can change ours and others’ fear bonds to love bonds. “Perfect love casts out fear!”

Loving Our Enemies is the Anchor for Relationships

I drew myself a picture of the boat (the relationship), the rope (fear), and the anchor (love). As I was sharing with my dear friend, we had all kinds of wonderful thoughts—the anchor is love, it’s Jesus. We remembered all the songs written about Him as our anchor in storms. We thought about being tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine when the anchor is not activated.

All of what I saw that day is really hard to put into words, especially what was so different. I will continue to ponder what else Jesus has to show us about loving our enemies—those people who annoy and irritate us, those people who are difficult to be around. His perfect love casts out fear. He has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, of love, and a sound mind.

Love covers a multitude of annoyances.

We Make Our Choices Based on Love, Not By Our Will

My aha moment about love and the brain helped explain something else Dr. Wilder taught me. We make our choices based on who we love. Who we love is deeper and faster in the brain than the ability to make a conscious choice with our will. We don’t choose to love by talking ourselves into it and striving to get it out. If hesed love is strong within us, experiential, out of our bellies will flow rivers of living water–even to our enemies.

Focus on how much Jesus loves you. Focus on Him. Love Him. Let Him love you—and then it will be easier to love your enemies.