Every time I look at my blog stats, it seems that the most hits are on anything to do with instilling maturity in children. This is a much needed skill for both parents and children. Today I’ve been musing on one aspect of what children need to grow and mature properly. I speak to this need in my books, Joy-Filled Relationships and Handbook to Joy-Filled Parenting. Children, and all of us, need pathways in our brain that lead us back to joy during and after experiencing negative emotions. The six negative emotions are: anger, fear, sad, disgust, hopeless, or shame. The optimal learning time for this brain skill is from around 12 to 18 months of age.
Infants and negative emotions
When an infant feels a negative emotion before he or she learns the pathway back to joy circuits, the infant feels like he or she is on an island all alone with nothing but that bad feeling. He doesn’t know about anyone else or care about anyone else. She doesn’t remember that Mommy was glad to be with her a little while before. The baby is now non-relational. He can’t connect the joy circuits of Mommy being glad to be with him to the circuits that make the emotions, at the same time he is feeling the negative emotion. Someone who loves her and wants to be with her during the emotion has to teach her brain this important skill.
Acting maturely: “Staying relational and acting like myself while feeling intense emotions
Part of acting maturely is connected to these returning to joy skills. Both can be defined as “Staying relational and ‘acting like myself’ while feeling intense emotions.” If we want our children to mature, learning to return to joy is one of the vital tasks necessary. We build these pathway circuits when someone lovingly joins us in a negative emotion and helps us reconnect the relational circuits while feeling the emotion. Reinforcing the pathway helps it become stronger and stronger, until eventually the child can feel the negative emotion and stay relational at the same time. If no one lovingly joins the child in that emotion, he feels alone and disconnected. Many problems grow from not being validated and comforted during painful feelings. Many problems grow from parents who are afraid to let their children feel negative emotions. Overprotecting them is a huge disservice. It takes practice to feel the emotions in a loving relationship with someone who is glad to help us.
Returning to joy from negative emotions
Why do parents try to prevent their child from getting upset? It’s usually because the parent doesn’t know what to do with that emotion. When parents know how to return to joy from each emotion, they can “download” that skill from their brain to the child’s.
Learning these brain skills after the window of opportunity has passed (around 12 to 18 months) is possible, but harder. People learn them best in joy-filled, face to face relationships with others who already have the skills. Learning these skills won’t come from DVD’s or books. For more on returning to joy, check out the books linked above. These contain some of the how-to’s and exercises for brain training. You can also get more information from www.thrivetoday.org See my other blogs on returning to joy, joy, and the six emotions.
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