I recently published a new book, Becoming a Joy-Filled Woman. This is from the chapter on codependency.
When I first met Dr. Jim Wilder he defined codependency as, “Making my decisions based on another person’s response.” I like that this one is plain and to the point. It’s easy to see that fear is the basis for all these definitions. If I stand up for myself, say what I feel, speak to negative remarks and treatment, make boundaries—someone is going to get upset. Someone is going to turn it back on me, blow up, withdraw—or worse.
All are legitimate fears and at the root of codependency. Living in that kind of fear causes us to live from a false self rather than from our true identity. We can’t be our true self if we fear we will get rejected for giving an opinion, making a boundary, showing a feeling, or speaking up.
I was guilty of all these definitions, fears, and behaviors.
Also, I had some difficult, fear-based relationships. I was programmed by culture and Christianity to be “nice.” Anything that caused upset was not nice. Crossing another person was not nice. Having an opposing opinion was not nice. Some feelings were not nice. My self-protecting antennae were out to consider the other person’s response to things I might say or do in case something scary or difficult might happen. All based on fear. Do we get the picture?
Are we supposed to be nice?
With our culture’s emphasis on being “nice,” and even in our church cultures, we women easily fall into codependent behavior. We don’t stand up for ourselves, we endure negative remarks, innuendoes, and behaviors in unhealthy relationships. We go years without saying how we really feel or without taking care of ourselves. This is not freedom. This is not satisfying. And this is not good.
I will never forget the day that Dr. Wilder told me that something so powerful as the word “nice” was to me, that I should go do a word study from the Bible on the word. I laughed out loud because I knew it was not in the Bible. He also said, “Niceness makes you feel crazy and guilty. Niceness is judged ultimately by how the receiver likes it. There is manipulation in it. The real reason for being nice is to get a response. It is not unconditional love.
What is true kindness?
True kindness is about acting like oneself—it is in the nature of the giver. If it’s well received, that says something about the receiver. If received with meanness, that also says something about the receiver.”
Walking away from the fears of codependency is not easy nor is it a path to walk alone. We need support. Also, we need to be heard and understood by someone who can help. We need to be humble and teachable to see our part in the dynamics. There will have to be a lot of letting go of things we fear; those many things that in truth we cannot control.
It is very hard to notice, admit, and stop trying to control. As we saw earlier, we try to control to avoid pain. We believe worry will change an outcome. Instead, we will have to cling to Jesus so He can break us free from “co.” As we walk out being free, we will notice how satisfying freedom from condemnation, performance, and controlling can be.
Love to love, love to help
There is an aspect of codependency that I find common with “loving, Christian women” who love to love and love to help. In our early sessions, Dr. Wilder told me that I believed if I just loved enough and was nice enough everything would be ok. I absolutely did believe that, and it is a common misconception.
This belief causes us to try to fix things we see in others that are not our job to fix. This belief results in being pushy. Sometimes because we believe loving enough and wanting to help will make things better, we will unconsciously view others as “projects.” We might forget they are a person and fail to see them with “Godsight”. We can sense when someone views us as a project to fix.
Unlearning this belief was hard and took a long time. It can certainly creep back. Fixing looks like love and may even be surrounded with love and prayer, but if done from the wrong beliefs/motives, it does not feel like love to the recipient. Loving and/or helping too much do not help.
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