From Renovated: The Will Versus Attachment Debate

If you’ve read Barbara’s book review of Renovated, you know that she has read, continues to read and recommends this book to others. From January of 2022 into February of this year, Barbara took her Thursday morning Joy Group through Chapters 1, 3, 5, 7, 9 & 10. Here are some thoughts from our group compiled by Debbie Sellmann and Shawnda Myers, as well as  passages we discussed on the will versus attachment from Chapter 1.

Transformation of Character versus Sin Management

Setting the stage for the “why” of this book, Dr. Wilder tells us of the urging of Jane Willard (Dallas Willard’s wife and Dr. Wilder’s colleague in counselling), to find a “broader, deeper and more complete means of transformation.” (Renovated, pg. 2)

Right off the bat, our group discussed this statement from Dr. Wilder: “Our goal was to examine best practices to achieve ‘transformation of character’ in contrast to what Dallas called ‘sin management’.” (Renovated, page 2)

This is like what happened for Shawnda towards her son Trey.

As I was growing up I learned a very special skill. It’s called yelling. Whenever you wanted someone’s attention or needed their presence, you yelled for them. So, what did I do as a parent of 3? I yelled of course! I made the demand for their presence and never took the time to find out what they were doing when I needed them. This was an “it’s all about me” attitude.

As I learned in Joy-Filled Relationships about synchronizing I realized this skill was not relational. One day, at the bottom of our stairs, I was about to yell for my son to come to me. I paused and had this amazing thought, “Yelling is not relational. Go to him.”

Up the stairs I went and to his bedroom. Trey always keeps his door open and his bed faces the doorway. I stood silently until he paused his video game and asked me what I needed. I asked if he had time to talk; he said, “Sure.” I proceeded to ask what I needed to ask and he answered politely and away I went. I felt very satisfied and he felt very respected.

Since that day I have always gone to him and we as a family have a new expectation, go to the person to whom you wish to speak…no more yelling.

Shawnda Myers, as quoted from Joy-Filled Parenting With Teens

Newer discoveries about how the brain works had Dr. Wilder asking: “Would knowing how the brain learns character revise how we teach ourselves to be Christian?” (Renovated, pg. 3)

We discussed how many of us had grown up in sin management systems in churches. We had been taught what was right or wrong to do, and found ourselves focusing on those thoughts instead of being in the present moment with Jesus.

How Do We Develop Our Identity?

How does the brain develop an identity and normal human maturity? The human-identity systems in the brain generate our emotional reactions to life.” (Renovated, pg. 3)

The group talked about how we respond to others shows our character. We asked out loud: how do I change my identity system to become mature emotionally and have Christ-like character? Barbara reminded us, “I am going to be changed by who I love.” We discussed returning to joy with someone when something upsetting happens.

Additionally, we discussed this question from chapter 1: “Could spiritual disciplines like prayer, fasting, and Bible study be better tuned to produce character change?” (Renovated, pg. 3)

Chapter 1 of Renovated helps us see salvation as a love attachment to God. It’s also about loving others: “‘Psychology,’ Dallas said quietly,” is the care of souls. The care of souls was once the province of the church, but the church no longer provides that care.’ He paused. ‘The most important thing about the care of souls is that you must love them. Love souls!” (Renovated, pg. 4)

3 Elements of Transformation

Dr. Wilder tells us: “As I searched for what it meant to believe in Jesus, three elements of the Christian life came into sharp focus: (1) dialogue with God about everything, (2) do nothing out of fear, and (3) love people deeply.” (Renovated, pg. 4)

Thursday Group discussed how giving a good shame message illustrates this:  when you talk to Jesus in prayer about something hard you may need to address with someone, you may feel like you don’t want to look mean to them. Trying to say the hard things isn’t always nice, but kind. There is a relational way to do it. There is a heart motive that is loving and pure. We can see, hear, care and have compassion with others. We need a hunger to grow.

Other questions Joy Group asked, “How do we care about strangers?” See them how Jesus sees them (Godsight.) “How do we love people who annoy us?” Answer: See them as Jesus does (Godsight.)

Building and Sustaining Loving Relationships

“People with emotional wounds seemed particularly hampered in growing and sustaining loving, joyful, relationships. Using the brain science behind secure and joyful attachments, we trained people how to build and sustain loving relationships with people God placed in their lives.” (Renovated, pg. 5)

Joy group talked about learning to be gentle responders to weakness in others.

Are We Changed by What We Believe or Our Attachment to God?

“Western Christianity has long taught that we are changed by what we believe and what we choose – that is, by the human will responding to God. Attachment to God would functionally replace the will as the mechanism of salvation and transformation.” (Renovated, pg. 6)

Here we talked about the difference between the slow track and the fast track in our brain. We talked about how we make our choices based on who we love.

How Does Our Character Change?

“Christians have tried forming character through beliefs, experiences and spiritual power.” (Renovated, pg. 7) Thursday group talked about this statement: Character + emotional maturity = your identity.

“Suppose we focused spiritual exercises and human relationship exercises less on changing our beliefs or choices and more on building attachment love with God and with people. Would that yield the kind of character transformation we yearn to find?” (Renovated, pg. 7)

Thursday morning group discussed how we can build attachment love with God on our own, and with people at the same time.

Joy group discussed what it means to not be in an environment where people are gentle responders to weakness from Dr. Wilder’s quote: “Frankly, I did not expect hesed from church people if my character were to be exposed. Christians had not provided strong enough attachments for me to expose what went on in my brain.” (Renovated, pg. 7)

Lastly, we talked about what Barbara finds as the theme of this book: “Reconciling the church’s practices of transformation to how the brain works will be our topic for this book.” (Renovated, pg. 7)